Without Him
by Fences
Summary: “Have Hokage send a team to get him, She could-“ Do Naruto and Hinata have courage to move on? “You know that I’m the only one who can go after him." Can they finally be happy? "You will not leave me again." Are they destined not to be together? Naruhina
1. Searching For Him

Fresh start I guess,

Title and rating subject to change...alot.

The moon, having risen just a few hours ago, shed light on the three figures standing at Konoha's gate. Although they were shinobi, only two of them cared to attempt to hide their emotions.

Sakura stood with her fists balled up at her sides, jade eyes flashing, tensed as if for a fight.

"You are not. Leaving. Again," she told the stoic man in front of her. She had gotten him back. He came back to her, he_ finally_ came back to her, and now he was leaving again. It was enough to make her want to throw up. She was beyond crying now; her face set in an angry scowl.

"Have Tsunade send a team to get him, anyone but you. She could-"

"You know that I'm the only one who can go after him." Sasuke rubbed his face with his hand and sighed. "And if I stay it's not fair to her." He nodded his head in the direction of the other person standing with them.

Hinata, who seemed watched the other to calmly though she was bleeding on the inside. She looked as detached as the Uchiha, but her white eyes told another story. They held unending waves of pain, but also determination.

"Let me come with you." She looked at him with those eyes and he almost yielded, but then he studied her. She was unstable, so she was likely to make a mistake. It was his opinion- no, it's a fact- that the last two years were harder on her than anyone else, but he couldn't afford that, not going up against that man.

"Sorry," he told her and she understood. She looked at him again seeming to keep her calm, but he saw something break in her. She wasn't Sakura; she didn't want to send someone else in her steed. She wanted to go herself. He saw something crack in her as it had cracked when he came back, and told everyone what had happened. It wouldn't be long before she broke, and it was his fault, the last two years were his fault, and he was going to remedy that. That's why no one but him could go, no matter what.

He really didn't want her to go, because this was not a mission approved by the Hokage. He was setting himself up to be a rouge shinobi… again. And that was another reason she couldn't come, she had to think of her title of heiress. Whether or not the circumstances of their departure were made common knowledge, she would be considered just as missing as he was, Princess or not. The chances of them being caught before they completed their mission would be much higher, as the Hyuuga clan would demand hoards of the best tracker ninja to be deployed to drag back their heiress, if only to publicly strip her of her title. He on the other hand had already inherited his title, whether he wanted it or not. He was the only one left. Not saying that Hinata wouldn't be an asset. She was small, but he'd seen her fight. She's not up to par with him, but he'd think twice before getting into a serious battle with her. Especially if she had a grudge against him, which she probably already does. That's why they're all standing here in the middle of the night.

Sakura knew he needed to go, but she wished he at least would have let Hinata go with him. She was good medic, and a vicious fighter. Sakura would have had at least a little peace of mind, but he had decided to go alone, again. She didn't want him to go, but… She glanced at Hinata. She was trying to keep a brave face, but Sakura remembered her own despair when Sasuke first left. She remembered the anger, hate, and love she had felt simultaneously for the boy who abandoned her on a cold bench. She also remembered being on guard duty when he came back, half dead, dragging himself towards Konoha. Hinata herself was the one who saw him first with her byakugan.

------

"_Hey, Hinata, I think it's time for your check." _

_The Hokage was enforcing a new rule; every guard duty shift had to have a Hyuuga on it. There weren't many Hyuuga ninja, so all of them took multiple shifts at a time. Hinata was on her third in a row and was dead tired. Sakura insisted she rest and only get up to do the routine checks with her byakugan, but Hinata declined. She wasn't going to leave her comrades, no matter how capable they were. She activated her byakugan, and scanned the area. Hinata gasped and scanned it again, then she focused on a single spot. She grasped Sakura's arm, her nails digging into her shoulder. Then she jumped out of the post and hit the ground running._

"_C'mon!" she yelled in the other girls direction, and all Sakura could do was follow._

_Hinata didn't know whether to smile with joy, or cry bitterly into her hands. Sasuke, she recognized that chakra anywhere from the innumerable battles they'd fought against his team, was dragging himself towards the gates. He wasn't a threat, though. She could see his injuries as clearly as if he were right in front of her and not a mile away. He had so many broken bones, she thought it was probably willpower alone that had brought him this far. With internal bleeding and a spinal cord concussion, he shouldn't even be able to feel anything!_

_Sakura was following, but not keeping up; Hinata had gone off in such a hurry, and not with much explanation. She didn't know if she was heading into a rescue or a fight. She stopped and readied herself for an ambush, should there be one. She ran on hoping that Hinata hadn't gotten herself into trouble. Rushing into action without even notifying her comrades of the situation, Hinata wasn't some genin, so it must have been really serious, they didn't even raise the alarm! When Sakura made it to the scene, she didn't see Hinata heavily outnumbered, which is what she thought was going to be the there. She saw her kneeling over a body, one that she would recognize anywhere. _

"_Sasuke." She breathed his name, and it made it seem all the more real. She dropped down next to Hinata, who had already started healing. She sucked in her breath and added her green chakra to Hinata's, but they both cut off a second later. They both just sat there crying. Sakura couldn't understand why Hinata had been crying, but she was probably happy that Sasuke had finally come back. Hinata had seen Sakura in her fits of depression, when almost nothing could bring her out except the thought that people at the hospital needed her. Hinata was probably happy that Sakura could finally be happy again- And then it hit her half a second before Hinata spoke, and the breathy, almost sob that went with it almost broke Sakura's heart. _

"_Where's Naruto?"_

_-------_

Sakura didn't blame Sasuke, but Hinata probably did. Sakura herself had blamed Naruto for a while after he failed to bring Sasuke back. In time, though, she saw that it wasn't his fault at all. Nothing short of death would have stopped Sasuke then. She was just glad it hadn't come to that.

Hinata had taken the hardest hit from his disappearance. She had listened to the story, and immediately afterwards, started working herself into the ground. She took the lowest paying, highest ranked, most dangerous missions, back to back. She didn't, and wouldn't talk to anyone anymore. After a mission she would only let herself recuperate a few hours, a day at most, before signing on for another one. The only times she even considered staying longer were when she had serious injuries. Immediately after her discharge though, she'd ignore the Hokage's recommended time period of rest, and she'd be out of the village before the day was over to assassinate a crime lord, whose security was half that of Konoha's ninja population _by herself_. Three weeks later she'd drag herself, half-dead through the village gates, be rushed to the hospital, and then be gone again by sundown.

She told anyone that told her she needed to stop that it kept her mind off of things. She would never admit though, that she took increasingly dangerous missions because worrying about her own life kept her from worrying about his. She was self-destructing, and it had gotten so bad, that she had collapsed upon _leaving_ the hospital for another mission from exhaustion, severe charka-depletion, and lack of sleep. The Hokage herself had to suspend Hinata from missions until further notice.

------

"_Hokage-sama, you wanted to see me?" _

_Tsunade wasn't the first person to be taken aback by Hinata's new appearance. It was enough to make one cringe, even if you hadn't seen the girl happy and healthy before. Her hair was a tangled mess down her back, her eyes were haunted and hallow, her cheeks had sunken in, and the bags beneath her eyelids seemed to cover her entire face. She had lost an alarming amount of natural weight, even though it looked as if she gained at least ten pounds in muscle, and the contrast made her body look disproportionate and like it was suffering a serious case of malnutrition. "Which was a definite possibility," Tsunade thought dryly. _

_Not only that, the girl swayed on her feet as if she was about to collapse. But resolve and dignity kept her balance. This girl had been running on nothing but fumes for a long time now, and even those were failing her. Tsunade glanced at the file in front of her, and had to take a second look. Then she sighed and looked up at the wreck in front of her._

"_Your file says that you've taken twenty-three A-class missions in the last three weeks," Tsunade told the girl. Hinata nodded. "Your file is also telling me that you've been in the hospital eight times between those missions with serious, life-threatening injuries." The girl nodded again. "That isn't possible. Each of the injuries I have listed here have at least a two week recommended recovery period and it says here you didn't even _eat_ before leaving for another one."_

"_The recovery period is _recommended_, Hokage-sama," Hinata retorted calmly. "It has never been forced upon a shinobi, unless they were not fully recovered from the injuries that they were sent to the hospital for." Tsunade sighed again, glanced at the file, and glared up at the culprit._

"_Your file is telling me that upon _leaving_ the hospital you collapsed from a number of small cuts that were never treated and become infected, severe charka-depletion, lack of sleep… the list goes on. Hinata you're killing yourself and I won't let you do that. Have you seriously looked at yourself in that last couple of months?" The old woman smiled sadly. "You need to have faith that he'll come back. It hasn't been easy for any of us, but you can't destroy your life just because he may have destroyed his." _

_The girl looked at her as if she wasn't seeing anything. "I assure you that I am fine and that I am taking care of myself Hokage-sama, and I would appreciate it if you would give me another mission so I could be on my way-"_

"_No more missions, Hinata." Tsunade interrupted. "As of right now you are suspended from taking any missions until further notice. Doing so would be traitorous to the village, and you would be there-by incarcerated until we tried you and decided a suitable punishment. Dismissed." _

_Hinata stayed rooted to that spot, and Tsunade didn't think she had heard her, until the girl dropped to the floor and Tsunade realized the young woman was no longer conscious. She got up quickly to have her taken back to the hospital._

_-------_

Both Sakura and Hinata watched Sasuke leave the village, and kept watching long after he was out of sight. Hinata's face was set, and her fists were balled at her sides. Then she exploded.

"How the hell could Naruto do this to me?! Didn't he know I was waiting for him?! He _knew _I was waiting for him! He told me he would be back, he told me he would! Why would he leave?! Why?! He promised…" Hinata continued screaming, until her voice gave out and all she could do was sob.


	2. Needing Him

I Do Not Own Naruto.

Chapter 2

In the year afterwards, they had all gotten better. She had gotten better; everyone was relieved she wasn't on active duty anymore. Instead of the temporary reprieve of fighting for her life, Hinata spent time with people she hadn't seen at all, but the laughter wasn't hers and the smiles didn't reach her eyes. Usually she wouldn't say things about his disappearance, after the initial shock wore off, the realization that even Naruto could break promises, and that her sun could stop shining.

After that she hadn't really cared about anything except to ease the pain that ripped apart her heart, over and over again, and the more pain she felt in her body, the closer she got to death with each injury, the less she would focus on things of the past. She'd been dancing the fine line of hurting herself, or putting herself in the way so she didn't have to do it. Even she didn't know on which side she belonged, but she planned to keep doing it. It was a dangerous game she was playing, and the only way it was going to end was with her death. She wanted to trust him, and wait for him to come back, and have him tell her that everything would be okay because he was there and she didn't have to fight to breathe, or work to keep up the façade that she was alright. She couldn't even do daily functions right. Did she wait until her eyes started burning to blink? Or did she do it periodically?

He was gone and everything went with him. She wasn't a shell because things went _in_ shells nothing was going into her, there might have been something there before, and there might be something there later, but right now she was a crust, and she was crumbling. She couldn't take much more of this, waiting at home like some kind of housewife. She couldn't take knowing that she was a shinobi, and that she could kill _hundreds_ by herself, she could make a man twice her size grovel like a _child_ at her feet; for his life, She could save entire villages, but when it came to the person she most wanted-no needed to save, she came up short. She was smiling, but inside she was seething. There was nothing she could ever, or would ever be able to do.

"I think there's something wrong with Hinata," Sakura looked at the nurse who asked to have lunch with her today and raised her eyebrow. Of course there's something wrong with Hinata, Naruto had left, and there were no messages, not even a word that he was okay. It didn't look like he was coming back. The doctor didn't know that of course. The two had kept their relationship quiet, not wanting to incite the wrath of her father, but from Sakura's point of view it had been pretty obvious. There were small things that you had to notice. Hinata had once told her that she couldn't even be around him, because she'd forget to breathe, and pass out. After awhile she couldn't stand be away from him, and the feeling was mutual.

Sakura was once entrusted with the task of finding them both because they had a mission in an hour and neither had bothered to show up for the debriefing. Thinking she would have to go to opposite ends of the village to find them she decided to find Hinata first because she would be easier to get away from whatever was keeping her.

Hinata had somehow convinced her father to let her use the old garden shed as a room, something about independence and learning how to govern herself before she learned how to rule the clan. When Sakura had first seen it, the day she had been recruited to help clean it, it was bigger than the first floor of her house, she could only image what Hinata's _former_ room had looked like. It was easier to access than the rest of the house and Hinata figured she didn't want her friends going through the "state your business" nonsense every time they came to see her.

When Sakura arrived at the shed she knocked, but there was no one in, and she'd gone to see if Hinata was in the garden, and found _both_ of them there. Naruto was laying spread eagle on the ground, and Hinata was curled up next to him with her head on his shoulder while he was playing with her hair. And they were covered from head to toe in dirt and leaf bits. This was the first time Sakura had seen them actually _together_. They looked so happy and at peace that she didn't want to break the calm that washed over the entire garden with a mission. So Sakura went back to Tsunade and told her she'd take another two for her mission because she couldn't find them. After that you couldn't mistake that they were in love. It was in the very air around them. They could be sitting in the ramen shop, and she would unconsciously straighten his jacket. Then he would steal food out of her bowl without even realizing it. She was the only person who could ever tolerate his incessant talking for more than half an hour and he never once got impatient with her stutter. After awhile it disappeared, and both were happier for it. Naruto told them this was his last chance to find Sasuke, and bring him back. He told her specifically, that he would be back. And when Sasuke finally woke up and told them that Naruto had traded himself to Orochimaru for Sasuke's release Hinata walked out of the room. Straight to the assignments building and asked for an A-rank mission. She got it. The minute she came back she asked for another and another and it kept going. When the Hokage finally got fed up and took her off active duty she poured what was left of her heart and soul into the hospital. So when the nurse said something was wrong with her, Sakura resisted the urge to let her know that most people knew that already.

"Hinata was a very close friend of Naruto's and his disappearance is upsetting her a lot," Sakura answered trying not to give away any information, Hinata's father had spies everywhere.

"No it's something different, she's got most of the symptoms of an impending breakdown, it looks as if they were closer than you think because every day she comes in for work, it looks like she got less sleep and has less peace of mind, It's upsetting because the only way anyone would know is if they watched her closely. The symptoms are barely there, but they're there. " the doctor told her.

"So you're not trying to get information for her father?" Sakura asked with as much nonchalance as she could get in at the moment. This was getting to be a bit more serious than a broken heart, as Sakura first anticipated. Hinata was doing well in her opinion she ate more, and the bags under her eyes were slowly disappearing, but this woman was a doctor of the mind, she could tell when you were trying to hide something, and when you were lying. She could probably tell her about Hinata's mental condition, better than anyone. Hinata was a Hyuuga, and they were the best at trying to hide their emotions, but when you've been trained to pick apart those emotions for most of your life, very little could conceal them from you.

"No, but Hinata, she's got a swirl of emotions going through a mile a minute every moment of the day. The most dominate being anger and hurt. It looks as if she needs someone to get her to snap out of it, because, I've seen many cases like this, right now she's just going through the motions. Wake up, go to work, eat, and sleep, that sort of thing. Later she won't even be able to do that, she's driving herself insane from the inside, and it won't be long before she does something drastic." The doctor looked seriously worried, and that worried Sakura, this _was_ getting to be more drastic.

"Thanks, I'll see what I can do," Sakura got up, paid the bill, and went off in search of the girl.

Hinata was just finishing up fixing a broken arm when Sakura found her and told her that she needed to talk right now.

"I go on break in about five minutes, so I think I can leave a bit early," Hinata told her. Sakura waited impatiently in the little café at the hospital until Hinata arrived, cheerfully, but she could tell, Hinata was tired, and she fidgeted a lot. The other girl sat down next to Sakura and took a deep breath. Sakura watched her while she ordered. The bags under her eyes were back. Her cheeks were hollow and her skin took on a yellowish tinge. The muscles in her arms looked almost grotesque against the loss of weight in her body. She had been training, but she hadn't been eating. At this point Sakura could tell when something was wrong physically, even if she wasn't very good with mentally. Hinata was running on fumes. She should've passed out weeks ago, but her body had stubbornly hung on. Her hands were shaking, telling of her inner battle to stay conscious. If Hinata continued doing this to herself she was going to die. Realizing this, she decided that talking was going to get her nowhere.

"Um...can we talk another time Hinata?" Sakura inquired. "I just realized I have to go check on Sasuke, I haven't seen him in a while, and he won't eat unless you shove food into his mouth."

"That's…alright I guess, tell him I said hello, okay?" Hinata told her. She tried giving her friend a smile, but it turned out more of a grimace.

Sakura turned towards Sasuke's apartment, hut as soon as she was out of sight of the café she doubled back and went towards the tower. Hinata was killing herself, and it was worse than the missions something had to be done.

---

The Blond lay on a metal cot, staring at the ceiling, fighting sleep. Sleeping was dangerous. Better to just rest and pass out from exhaustion later. That way they'll put him in the infirmiry, where he'll be safe from Orochimaru's experiments. The next vessel had to be in tip top shape right? He had long since put out of the snake's mind anything that involved his chakra or his body, (the sick bastard) but that didn't mean that the disgusting little man did not have free reign over his mind. That he could not stop, he wasn't strong enough to keep the him out, and even if he did succeed even for a minute he was rewarded with unparalleled waves of pain and torture. Faces and people he'd known he'd seen before were tortured and killed over and over again, he did the killing, or he sat and watched _enjoying_ every minute of it even though in is inner mind he was screaming for it to stop. Then the man started attacking him at his weakest point. So there was no resistance at all. After a fifteen hour practice, when he'd finished throwing up, too tired to pick himself up off of the ground, would look up and every time, and those eyes narrowed into satisfied slits, would always be the only thing he could see. He didn't know if it was seconds or hours that he stared up, but he'd always pass out under the weight of them. And then the dreams would start. The grotesque, ugly, misshapen forms of people he once knew, but couldn't place. Killing him, being killed, fighting for their lives, for his life, but always, _always_ loosing. Dying by the hands of a frenzied mob, a single person, a group of shinobi, or him. He would scream. He knew he would scream, because he couldn't talk for hours after he waking. There would always be memories there that weren't his. Battles he remembered, but never fought, entire villages he destroyed, children he'd slaughtered, girls he'd raped. The last haunted him the most, he could feel their screams, as if they were next to him, feel his sick, _sick_ pleasure he got at the power he had over them, taste the blood that splattered all over him when he killed them afterwards.

In the beginning he could easily discern these fake memories from reality, but as time wore on (of how much he wasn't sure) it took a little more concentration, until even attempting to differentiate the memories and his own left him gasping on the floor, clawing at his scalp in pain. Wishing for oblivion, knowing it would never come. Then there would be things…missing. Things replaced by the false memories, he knew this, but he couldn't call them back. There were names, but no faces to go with them. Zabuza, Haku, Gaara, Sa-ku-ra? The last one was supposed to stir something in him he knew, mean something to him but he couldn't reach it.

In the beginning he even tried to delude himself. Thinking that he was only gathering information for his village and be rewarded with cheering instead of grim silence upon his arrival. He would be a hero, the greatest one ever to walk through those gates. But the poison seeped through his mind, until he barely even knew who he was anymore. He tried to call back anything that would make him fee sane again. Names, faces, locations, but his former life was becoming more unfocused, in the sharp reality that was his now. Every time he looked into those eyes. They would take something from him, twist it and turn it until he wasn't sure that he himself was real. That he wasn't some sick artificial reality, and some asshole wasn't having fun and driving him over the brink of insanity, and hanging him there by his toenail. The bastard was toying with his mind, tearing it apart, adding pieces that weren't his, leaving things out, doing it over and over again, until his head was some misshapen puzzle. He didn't even know whether his name was his own or something that the snake gave to him. The only thing that remained constant was the beast inside of him, and the training. The gut wrenching training he hated and loved, long for and dreaded, lived and almost died for. The small untouched place in his mind was only used for the growing hatred he kept for the people who left him to this. He wasn't living. He barely existed. This man was adding more and more pressure and it wouldn't be long before he broke. But he refused to be reduced to that. His mind would grow stronger. The dreams would fade, and he would escape.

-----

Decided to put this on hiatus (that goes without saying), but had this in the archives. Cleaned it a bit and added it.

Might even come back to finish this up. :)


End file.
